I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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