Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
