My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
