I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
