Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
