just come out here and I will go home with you...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
