I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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