dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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