I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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