I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
