i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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