My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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