hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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