I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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