She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
