....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
