just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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