plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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