Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
