We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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