He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The power of my boobs compel you
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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