I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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