I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
