someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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