my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
