I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
