I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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