I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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