Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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