I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
