I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Sorry about my life...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
