so explain again why im purple
no
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
