and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
