dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We have started to decorate penises.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
