there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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