new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
