Betty ford says i'm here all night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
