I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My ass is underappreciated
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
