life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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