It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
