All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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