how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
