someone threw a dead crab at me
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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