Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
