So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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