BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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