Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I did not marry a roomba.
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