sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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