so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
