No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
