but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
