Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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