I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
